ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I was not drunk enough for that final.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
