You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
