I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
