i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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