I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
