Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
