I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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