My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
my nose is crying tears of wow.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
