it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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