The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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