The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
