This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
