One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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