if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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