Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
