new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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