low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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