People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize