Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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