Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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