my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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