I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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