So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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