you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
