I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
