I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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