Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
