yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize