I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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