New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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