Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
