it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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