She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
