She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Less talking, more tequila
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
