quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
