I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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