Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
