Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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