I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
