I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize