If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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