We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
