went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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