I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
