I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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