so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
