Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
