Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
