just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize