Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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