i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
