.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
