just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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