I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Dear god my vagina.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
