Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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