I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
His hands were made for my vagina.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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