God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
