Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
