i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize