The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
